Blogging and owning my own Power and Mistakes
Because of all the unwanted traffic on my blog, in a few days I'm going to make it private for only those people I approve to read it. I had started to make another blog, but why go to all that trouble just to keep a few nosey boogers out of it? I know it will be an extra step to log in and get the initial approval, but no doubt my friends and family won't mind the extra step for my peace of mind. If you send a request, just make sure I know who you are, or that you may be a regular reader I don't know, but with enough details I know you aren't a cyber stalker trying to peer into my private life.I want to purge some thoughts about marriage. I want to say, for the record, that I would not interfere in someone's marriage. I interfered unknowingly in one marriage - my ex husbands - only b/c he was dishonest and said he had been divorced for nearly 2 years and even had developed elaborate lies about dating other women while were friends in a pathetic attempt make me jealous - and other schemes to make it seem like he wasn't married. I had no idea til I got the call from his wife after they were separating. I should have then never believed the other lies he told to win back my trust - that they had been living separate for a long time, he had been working on a divorce for years, that she was insane and treated him horribly, and that I couldn't believe a word she or her family said when they tried to warn me about him. I was a stupid fool in love who wanted to believe him - to believe what I wanted instead of what I knew deep inside about his character. I have apologized to her several times that I had no idea they were married for all the hurt I helped cause her. I have never quit having deep remorse for not walking away that day for the pain it caused his family and myself in the long run. What I did was wrong, no matter the reasons or his lies.
I will however, always be a good friend to my friends who need someone to listen. Especially people I've known for over 25 years.
A good friend put this song on mix cd for me. It probably has multiple layers of meaning for me with past relationships. I love the ending 'It took a while to figure out she could run, and when she did she was long long gone'...I don't regret loving with my full heart. I regret trusting my love and heart and dedication to the wrong person who was so undeserving. Even our marriage counselor said "After all you have done, you still don't recognize how fortunate you are to have her loyalty to try and work this out with you" I don't have any hatred for my ex I honestly don't care about him - still a little anger and bitterness because he did all the trauma he could do to me possible and it hurt and that was exactly why he did it. Anyone would feel like this if you were in my shoes. No one should have to live in fear physically, emotionally or financially about someone else that they loved and called their husband - like I have had to do. But I don't fear any longer. I stood up and I've slayed the dragon and to me, he's completely gone. And if he's smart, he will finally make some better decisions. Because I have no toleration for any bullying, or lack of responsibility. My pastor said wouldn't I hope that he would have a transformation one day, didn't I pray for that? Of course I hope he does change into a kind hearted and honest person, for himself and those around him. I can't imagine, even if there is a thrill in the deceit, that it still doesn't lead to a very empty meaningless life full of stress, disappointment and lack of having any integrity. Obtaining desires from deceit can't be near as satisfying as earning them from hard work, honesty, and having people care about you for the real you and not someone you pretend to be.
posted by Julie @ 9:51 PM
Comments: 3
